You can't run from an explosion in a spacesuit
by Daria234
Summary: Parody crackfic. What if BSG were a Bruckheimer/Michael Bay film? From a prompt at commentfic. The show was great; but if it were a blockbuster action film, it might be terrifyingly bad.


TYROL: We found it. The real earth. Not that fake-ass earth, the real earth. But...

ADMIRAL ADAMA: But what?

*ominous music plays*

TYROL: It's surrounded by cylon ships. Someone will have to go on a suicide mission to blow up the cylon fleet.

BALTAR: I'll go.

ADAMA: No. I'm going. As the key strategic mind and leader of our armed forces, it is only logical that I be used as fodder in a large explosion.

BALTAR: No! NOOOO!

BALTAR tackles ADAMA to keep him from going on the suicide mission. ADAMA efficiently and gracefully does some martial arts move that wouldn't work in real life and pins BALTAR to the floor and gazes into his eyes, just homoerotically enough to convey that this is a serious moment.

ADAMA: Gaius. I know we argued a lot. But it was only because deep down I have such respect for the man you are. Promise me that you'll take care of Starbuck of me. And the human species, too. Promise me.

BALTAR(with a single tear running down his left cheek): I promise.

ADAMA: Good man. I'm so proud of the man you've become.

ADAMA stands, grabs an oversized gun and tucks it into his uniform, and heads into a ship.

TYROL: Why would he need a handgun to crash a spaceship into a larger ship? And if all it takes is one man with a death wish, why did we takes so long to kill the cylons?

BALTAR (taking charge, finding his voice as the new leader of mankind): Don't just stand there pointing out plotholes! Get to work! GO! GO! GO!

TYROL: Go where? To do what?

BALTAR: Just go! GO GO GO!

CUT TO: LONG SHOT, Adama's ship, small but feisty, sailing without interference into the cylon fleet. They don't fire because they think he's not a threat. Or because he painted his ship to look like the night sky. Yeah, that's it.

CUT TO: Starbuck watching the whole thing on a video screen, crying helplessly as her breasts heave in her low-cut tank top.

CUT TO: Cylon ship

CYLON 1: BEEPBEEPBEEP THE HUMANS WILL NEVER DEFEAT US, EARTH IS OURS, BEEPBEEPBEEP

CYLON 2: ONE ZERO ONE ZERO ZERO

CYLON 1: BEEPBEEPBEEP IF WE COULD FEEL AMUSEMENT WE WOULD LAUGH HEARTILY AT THE IMPENDING EXTERMINATION OF HUMANS BEEPBEEPBEEP

CYLON 2: ONE ZERO ONE ONE ONE

CYLON 1: GOOD POINT BEEPBEEPBEEP. HUMANS ARE COWARDLY SCUM AND WOULD NEVER DARE TO RESIST US HEARTLESS ROBOTS. WE ARE PROGRAMMED TO KILL AND SO WE SHALL. BEEPBEEPBEEP.

CYLON 2: ONE ZERO ZERO ZERO!

CYLON 1: WHAT ALARM? IMPOSSIBLE, NO HUMAN COULD GET PAST OUR DEFENSES BEEPBEEPBEEP. WAIT, I WILL CHECK... BEEPBEEPBEEP OH NO. THE HUMANS ARE BRAVER THAN WE THOUGHT. IF WE COULD FEEL FEAR WE WOULD BE -

CYLON 2: UH OH.

CUT TO: STARBUCK crying loudly as she passively sits and watches the spaceship holding her father figure explode.

CUT TO: BALTAR yelling at random people to move boxes for some reason.

CUT TO: ADAMA in a spacesuit. He running through empty space away from the spaceship. (Note: have someone at the beginning of the movie mention that it's a special spacesuit that lets you run in space even if there's not ground to run on).

ADAMA runs toward the camera and is thrown forward by the large EXPLOSION of the spaceship behind him.

-  
>CUT TO: ADAMA's exploding ship sets off a chain reaction that causes every ship in the cylon fleet to blow up.<p>

THINGS continue to explode for 5-20 minutes, depending on the budget.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Large pieces of shrapnel fly everywhere, and much of the shrapnel display logos of popular sports beverages.

CUT TO: ADAMA standing on the moon looking at the fleet exploding. He didn't explode after all! He got out in time!He plants a red white and blue flag on the surface of the moon and salutes the earth.

CUT TO:

(The celebration that night)

ADAMA returns and hugs everyone happily. BALTAR makes out with STARBUCK in front of a sunrise-filled window as remnants of cylon bodies float by in space. The human race cheers as their ships land on earth and they disembark. TYROL starts playing a Bob Dylan song and everyone dances. They are happy at last.

ROLL CREDITS.


End file.
